Last month I told you how April had been one of the hardest months of my life and I was feeling hopeful for May…May was even worse than April, by a mile!
My beautiful Grandmother was taken to hospital during April of 2015 and in just over a month we found out various horrible things, the worst being that she was fighting a battle with cancer and on the 9th May 2015 my Grandmother unfortunately lost her battle and it has completely broken me as a person.
My family and I suffered a tragic loss, her soul now rests with my wonderful Grandad, I can't help but feel grateful for the last 21 years that I got to spend with her, she was my grandmother, she will always be my grandmother, but now she has been reunited with the love of her life and I will always love and miss her more than words could ever express.
On the 26th of May a funeral was held for my Gran ts Halton Lea Crematorium, saying goodbye to her didn't seem right, nor real, everything happened so fast that is just seemed like a nightmare, I wish that was all it had been.
Finding my happy place is so hard at the moment, I can't seem to find it, no matter how hard I try. My mind forever returns back to my Gran and from that moment onwards all I can do is cry uncontrollably.
Seeing someone you love suffering in such a horrible and painful way is one of the most hardest and heartbreaking things that you could ever experience. I really hope that my Gran is now happy, I hope she's no longer hurting, and most importantly, I hope that she knows how much we adore her, how much she means to us, that we will never, ever stop thinking about her and that we love and miss her dearly.
I'm trying to stay strong, but it's so hard knowing that I will never see her face again, never hear her laugh again, my heart is broken, but I'm so glad that she's no longer in pain.
The reality of it all is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss that you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to be.
Goodnight Gran, I love you more than words could ever explain and I miss you dearly.
This isn't goodbye, this is just so long for now because we will meet again one day, send our love to Grandad.
Sleep tight
xxxx
Looking back on May, aside from all of the bad, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to reflect on the rest of the month, it all seems like such a blur.
My handsome boyfriend and I attending our second NTL screening, which was a play by George Bernard Shaw called Man and Superman.
I was absolutely speechless by the end of this play, it was incredibly remarkable. There was some brilliant talent included within the play and it was incredibly intelligent.
If you ever have the chance to attend this play, take that chance because you won't be disappointed.
My handsome boyfriend and I attending our second NTL screening, which was a play by George Bernard Shaw called Man and Superman.
I was absolutely speechless by the end of this play, it was incredibly remarkable. There was some brilliant talent included within the play and it was incredibly intelligent.
If you ever have the chance to attend this play, take that chance because you won't be disappointed.
MAY GOALS
- Wake up in time for the sunrise every morning. I'm actually really excited to fullfill this goal, I often find this a ever growingly hard thing to do, mainly because I'm such a night owl, but I do love mornings, I love the morning feeling (if you ignore the waking up part). - I've almost got this one!
- Read 4+ books. I absolutely adore reading, I have a huge pile of books that I need to make a start on and I hope that during May I have plenty of time to start them.
Spend loads of time with Granny P. I want to spend as much time with Granny P as possible, I'm so scared of what might happen, I'm so scared of losing her. I have to spend as much time with her as I possibly can because I adore spending time with her.Help Mummy P move home. So my mums finally moving home and town, which is going to suck a little more me, but I'm really excited for her, she deserves and needs this.- Work towards achieving my dreams. I'm going to have to see how May pans out before I can fully dedicate myself to working towards this goal this month, fingers crossed that I have the time for this.
Make progress of my book. I've started writing a book and I'm quite excited about it, I haven't wrote all too much, but it's going to take some time.- End procrastination for good. I'm a master at procrastination, but it's something that irritates me about myself.
- Disconnect from the world when working. This was something that I managed to do last month, I've found it to become quite a positive thing, I get a lot more done without the internet.
- Blog every week. I love blogging about anything and everything, especially my feelings and what's going on in my life, so expect plenty of posts this month.
- Visit many book stores and read many books. As I've said, I love reading, adore it actually, I can't wait for this one.
- Be happy. Happiness is the most important thing in this life
During May I began to find it incredibly difficult to stick to my goals, life was out of my hands and I couldn't determine the way the month was going to pan out, but this just means some of May's goals will be returning as June's goals.
JUNE GOALS
- Wake up in time for the sunrise every morning. I'm actually really excited to fullfill this goal, I often find this a ever growingly hard thing to do, mainly because I'm such a night owl, but I do love mornings, I love the morning feeling (if you ignore the waking up part).
- Gain myself a job. This is the only thing that I now need in my life to make myself pretty much perfect. Plus, once I've done this, I can start saving to travel!
- Read 4+ books. I absolutely adore reading, I have a huge pile of books that I need to make a start on and I hope that during May I have plenty of time to start them.
- Celebrate my Mother's Birthday. My mum turns 50 this year, although she'd hate me for telling you that! We have to make this Birthday the best one yet, especially with all of the bad that happened last month.
- Work towards achieving my dreams. I'm going to have to see how May pans out before I can fully dedicate myself to working towards this goal this month, fingers crossed that I have the time for this.
- Make more progress of my book. I've started writing a book and I'm quite excited about it, I haven't wrote all too much, but it's going to take some time.
- End procrastination for good. I'm a master at procrastination, but it's something that irritates me about myself.
- Finish sorting out my room. I've only just started making my room my own, it's becoming my own little escape from the world, my little hide out. I've been surrounding myself with memories, pictures and quotes of things I love.
- Disconnect from the world when working. This was something that I managed to do last month, I've found it to become quite a positive thing, I get a lot more done without the internet.
- Blog every week. I love blogging about anything and everything, especially my feelings and what's going on in my life, so expect plenty of posts this month.
- Visit many book stores and read many books. As I've said, I love reading, adore it actually, I can't wait for this one.
- Be happy. Happiness is the most important thing in this life
I honestly hope that June gives me a funner ride than April and May because I cannot handle another bad month.
I pray that June is a better month that May.
I pray for no more bad news, I can't handle anymore bad news.
I pray that everything in my life will work out.
I pray that life gets better.
I hope June ends up being all you hope for it to be
Signing off
Ash.
xx
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