Be Brave: Hello May - Rant, Reflection and Goal Setting

Hey there May, how's it going? I've been waiting for you anxiously, it's rather nice to see you to be honest! 

April has been one of the hardest months of my entire life. I would honestly like to feel hopeful that May is going to throw some good news and positivity my way, but with all of the heartbreak that I have endured during April I can't really see that happening, I will try to be hopeful. 

So like I just said, April has honestly been one of the hardest months that I have ever lived through, the hardest since the passing of Grandaddy P. Honestly, it breaks my heart knowing how much pain Granny P is in at the moment, it's breaking me down. I know that I have to stay strong for her, I know that every time I see her beautiful face I have to be brave, I have to show her that it's not killing me inside, even though it is. 

I've spent so much of April breaking down emotionally that I'm struggling to find my happy place, I'm struggling to remember a time before this, it feels like we've been living with this for longer than we have. People often tell you to prepare yourself for the worst when a situation like this occurs, but I don't think that's possible at all, you can expect something but the moment that it actually happens it's going to break your heart, possibly and probably more than you thought it was going to, it doesn't matter that you've tried to avoid feeling like that. 

I pray every single day that Granny P will recover, I pray that her pain will vanish and that she will become the Granny P that my family adore and miss so very, very much. I pray that we aren't going to lose her because I don't know what I would do or who I would be without her, I don't know how I would get past that. For as long as I have lived I had always thought of her as invincible, even through the passing of my Granddad. I never once thought I would ever lose her, she was always my invincible Grandmother. 

Family is the most important thing in this world, more important that money, power and pride, it comes hand and hand with happiness. Family is my happy place and right now it's broken and I pray that it's not broken beyond repair. Remember the good times, that's what everyone tells you, but it's not that simple.

I'm going to be honest with you straight away, I didn't check up on my goals at all during April and I doubt that I've completed many of them, hopefully May will be a better month.

APRIL GOALS

• Fix my sleeping pattern.
• Wake up in time for the sunrise as often as I can.
• Read 4 books.
• Decorate Easter Eggs.
• Bake Easter Egg cupcakes.
• Work towards achieving my dreams. 
• Complete 4 chapters of my book.
• End procrastination for good.
• Disconnect from the world when working.
• Fly a kite.
• Complete the 'walk in her shoes' challenge. 
• Blog every week.
• Visit many book stores and read many books
• Visit a farmers market.
• Pick fresh berries.
• Be happy. 

I told you I didn't complete much, I'm honestly surprised that I completed anything!

MAY GOALS

• Wake up in time for the sunrise every morning. I'm actually really excited to fullfill this goal, I often find this a ever growingly hard thing to do, mainly because I'm such a night owl, but I do love mornings, I love the morning feeling (if you ignore the waking up part).
• Read 4+ books. I absolutely adore reading, I have a huge pile of books that I need to make a start on and I hope that during May I have plenty of time to start them.
• Spend loads of time with Granny P. I want to spend as much time with Granny P as possible, I'm so scared of what might happen, I'm so scared of losing her. I have to spend as much time with her as I possibly can because I adore spending time with her. 
• Help Mummy P move home. So my mums finally moving home and town, which is going to suck a little more me, but I'm really excited for her, she deserves and needs this. 
• Work towards achieving my dreams. I'm going to have to see how May pans out before I can fully dedicate myself to working towards this goal this month, fingers crossed that I have the time for this. 
• Make progress of my book. I've started writing a book and I'm quite excited about it, I haven't wrote all too much, but it's going to take some time. 
• End procrastination for good. I'm a master at procrastination, but it's something that irritates me about myself.
• Disconnect from the world when working. This was something that I managed to do last month, I've found it to become quite a positive thing, I get a lot more done without the internet. 
• Blog every week. I love blogging about anything and everything, especially my feelings and what's going on in my life, so expect plenty of posts this month. 
• Visit many book stores and read many books. As I've said, I love reading, adore it actually, I can't wait for this one. 
• Be happy. Happiness is the most important thing in this life. 

I can't help but apologise for my emotional breakdown at the beginning of this post, but if you know me personally or you have experienced something like this then you will know what I am going through and how I am feeling.

I pray that May is a better month than April.

I pray for no more bad news, I can't handle anymore bad news.

I pray Granny P recovers.

I pray life gets better.

Have a lovely month,

Ash. xx