I want to be a writer

THE DREAM:

I WANT TO BE A WRITER.

THE REALITY:

I AM GOING TO BECOME A WRITER

Hey guys, do you remember me? I know I've been gone for awhile, life happened.

Life can sometimes get in the way of who you want to be, you have bills to pay for, mouths to feed, it makes following your dreams something much harder than you ever expected. Since leaving University and starting work I've pretty much stopped doing most of the things I love, the things that I'm truly passionate about, it's something I shouldn't have let happen, something that I intend to change. I can't help but look at my life an feel incredibly lucky for what I do have, it's something I'll never take for granted, I just never thought that I would find myself in a position that I wouldn't be able to follow my dreams. 

Everything's going to change, those things that have always been important to me will take first priority in my life.

Life can be hard, it throws obstacles into your life that you never expect, sometimes it can be hard to fight your way through this, but these are the things that make you a stronger person, these are the things that ultimately make you who you are.

I have a dream. I mean I have a lot of dreams, but this one is the most important, this is the one that will become a reality, whether it works out the way I want it to or not. 

At the end of 2014/beginning of 2015 I lost myself a little bit, I forgot who I was, I didn't quite know who I wanted to become and which paths in life I wanted to take, but all of that has changed.

I want to become a writer.

I started studying my degree during September of 2012, I always thought that this was the right path for  my life, I always though this was how I was going to become who I wanted to be. I soon noticed that wasn't the case, but I chose to stick at it anyway because I didn't know where to go from there, I'm still a little uncertain. 

I haven't gave my degree the full dedication that I probably should have, this was the first sign that I had made a big mistake. During my final year at University I lost my motivation completely, I found it hard to continue.

One thing in life I hate more than anything is having a lack of motivation, which is something that I have nothing for when it comes to media, but when I think about writing and becoming a writer, well that's a completely different story.

I have began writing a book, it might seem a little random, but it's something I have wanted to do for the longest time. It's still in the REALLY early stages, but I am feeling quite hopeful with the direction in which it's going. 

Where do I go from here?

• Just sit down and write.
• Have a target of 1500 words a day.
• Writing doesn't stop when I leave the house, use my iPhone/iPad to write whilst I am out and about.
• When writing, disconnect from the world, the less distractions the better. 
• Make a drink before I start, the less reasons to procrastinate the better. 
• Spend each day re-reading what I have written the day before.
• 
  

I haven't felt this motivated about something in such a long time, this is the greatest feeling. I'm taking some really big risks with my life right now, although I am not much of a risk taker, this seems necessary. 

This is hopefully going to change who I am as a person, hopefully I will become more driven than I am at the moment, hopefully I will procrastinate less and strive to be the greatest that I can be.

I'll keep you updated.

All the best, Ashleigh

xo

Life's Not A Dress Rehearsal

I've spent my entire life in education, why you might ask? The answer will always be the same, because I was pushed into it, because I was told that this was what I had to do to become successful, to get the job of my dreams. I've came to realise that this was the biggest mistake of my life. I enjoyed College and would quite happily say that it was the best time of my entire life, everything about it was perfect and at that moment in time, I had never felt the passion that I did then for Media...little did I know that was soon to take a horrifying turn. I began my degree in September of 2012, after the first few months I knew it wasn't for me and following my car accident and all of the terrible things that I encountered during these months of my life, I decided to drop out of uni and I had never felt happier, I was stress free. This was all until I decided to go back, due to the fact that I am not a quitter and that I didn't want to disappoint, I never want to disappoint. 

I'm now in my final year of University and most people would say that it would be the stupidest thing ever to give up now, but is that really so true? nothing has ever made me so stressed, this stress has caused me to get extremely behind on my work. My Final Year Project and Dissertation are due in around 2 weeks time….I've not even started it and I completely lack all motivation to do so. Naturally this is stressing me out but I am completely confused as to where I go from here, I just don't know what to do. 

I just want to skip forwards in time, I want to throw myself at the world and to start my life completely. I'm absolutely terrified of failing in life, it's my biggest fear and it's something that I need to overcome. I'm terrified of looking back in 10 years time and wondering where my life went wrong, wondering why I'm not where I want to be. I really hope that I am where I want to be. 

There's so much I want to do in life, no dream is too big for me to hope it comes true. In one of my earlier posts I created a bucket list, it was full of a wide variety of things if I do say so myself. Well in this post I'm going to give you a list of just 10 things, 10 major things that I want to achieve in my life, whether that's visiting a place or just doing something, I would also like to point out that these are in no particular order. 

1. Rome

For as long as I can remember I have always had a rather large fascination with Roman history and with this comes a great desire to explore the city. I've spent so many hours on the internet reading up and just looking up certain things about the city and I've came to realise that along with just how beautiful the city is, there's also some rather magnificent ancient Roman architecture that I would absolutely die to see. The Colosseum, like most people, is the first thing on my list, the pictures already show just how amazing this structure is, but to see it in person? Yes please! Another big thing on my list to see when visiting the city of Rome if The Pantheon, this structure was originally built during the reign of Augustus (27 BC - 14 AD) but was then rebuilt around 126AD, even after 2000 years the Pantheon's dome is still the worlds largest unreinforced concrete dome. There's so much to see in Rome, so much history to take in, I can't wait to visit this beautiful city, I can't wait to fall completely in love.

2. Paris in a weekend

Those who know me will know that I don't have a very big love for France, it's not one of my top places, I see Paris as being a little bit overrated, especially with places like Prague and Venice in the world, but there are some things in Paris that I absolutely have to see, I aim to take Paris by storm in just one short weekend. The number one thing that fascinates me when I think about Paris is The Louvre, although I'm not good at art myself, I love to see the work of others, I absolutely adore it. The Louvre is filled with many, many beautiful works of art, including the world famous Mona Lisa, I just know that I could spend hours here just standing in awe. Obviously if you go to Paris you have to see Eiffel Tower, although I don't have a huge fascination for this, I would still like to see it and get myself a few cheeky pictures. Paris is filled with beautiful monuments, that's the main reason I want to visit this city, I want to see Notre Dame Cathedral, which dates back to 1163 and The Roman catholic Basilica of Sacre Coeur. I want to visit the lock bridge, take in the culture, admire the art and take Paris by storm. 

3. Swim with Sharks

I love Sharks, I think they are one of the most wonderful, beautiful and misunderstood creatures alive today. There's not much to say about this, the title of this section pretty much speaks for itself. The only issue here is that I cannot swim and due to bad experiences with learning to swim when I was younger I have a little fear with learning to do so, but with this being such a big dream of mine, that's just something I have to overcome to that I can experience this. 

4. Have my own family

This is probably my biggest dream of all, if I can't do anything else in life but this, then I wouldn't actually care. For as long as I can remember I have always dreamed of having my own little family. When your time on this planet is up there isn't much you can leave behind that will actually matter, besides who you were and who you left behind. My family will become my legacy, when I'm gone from this world, I will live on through them. Having a family could be one of the most beautiful gifts in life, with this comes a life of adventure and a life of change. I can only imagine how wonderful this experience will be, I can't wait to make it my own experience.

5. Accept myself for who I am

Life is too short to spend another second at war with yourself, this is the motto I will continue to live by. It can often be hard to accept yourself for who you are, to understand that you are you and you are all you are ever going to be. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though! You get to decide who you are, you get to decide the kind of person you are going to be, the paths in life that you are going to take, you have the ability to change anything about your life should you wish to. I am me, I am the only me that is ever going to exist, I have countless number of freckles, heterochromia, the rosiest of rosy red cheeks ever possible, two feet, two arms, a head and a brain that makes me who I am, a brain that determines who I want to be and all that I can ever become. I've grown to accept this a little more over the past few years, I'm an awkward person, but that makes me who I am. I'm kind hearted and that's probably the most wonderful thing about me. It can take a life time to figure out who you really are and to completely accept it. That's what I hope to do, I hope to accept myself for who I truly am and to be thankful that I am me. 

6. New Zealand

New Zealand is arguably one of the most spectacular places that this world has to offer, just take a look at the breathtaking scenery if you don't believe me. Naturally, as The Lord of The Rings is one of my most favourite films, exploring the location of filming is an absolute must, especially hiking around Mordor! One of the main things I'd like to do in New Zealand is explore the the scenery because it's absolutely breathtaking in photographs, I can only imagine what it's going to be like standing right there in the middle of it. I want to visit the 'adventure capital of the world' that is Queenstown, the fun that could come from visiting this location is pretty much guaranteed, along with the views from scenery as well, what's not to like? I want to visit Milford Sound, which is often described as one of the natural wonders of the world. 

7. Japan

What can I say about Japan apart from the fact that I have had a fascination with this country for the longest time. One thing I aim to do before visiting Japan is to learn the language, or at least some of it. I want to see The Icicles of Misotsuchi which are the icicles that appear on the mountain located near the Awakawa River. Takeda Castle, although this was destroyed around 400 years ago, the stone wall still exists in it's original style. One of the main reasons I would absolutely love to visit Japan is to visit the historic landmarks, such as Shuri Catle Park, which harbours ruins from the Ryukyuan culture, Hiroshima Peace Memorial, which is the only building remained standing after the atomic bomb explosion during August 1945. I want to take in as much of the Japanese culture as humanly possible. 

8. See Taylor Swift live in concert

It's not a big surprise to anyone who knows me that this is one of my dreams. Taylor Swift has been my idol for such a long time and I fully believe she always will be. I just adore everything about her, she's just a wonderful human being. It's horrible knowing that I have still not seen her in concert, I just haven't been able to afford to when she's released tickets. I will see her, it doesn't matter which era this is in, but it will be a thing, it will happen. 

9. Prague 

The diversity of the city's architecture means there is something for everyone to enjoy. This city has so much architecture to offer, from Romanesque chapels and cellars to Cathedrals and palaces and gardens. There's so much I want to see in Prague, possibly too much to list, so I'll just talk about a few of them. Prague Castle looks absolutely breathtaking and is the largest ancient castle in the world. There's so much to see at Prague Castle that it could take days to full appreciate everything that it has to offer, from churches and gardens to Royal residences. Tyn Church is a gothic looking Church that can be viewed from all over Prague. The Church has two towers which can be admired due to their pure beauty, I've read up a lot about this church and have found that although this Church is wonderful to see during the day time, it's absolutely gobsmacking to see at night, so when I eventually get the chance to visit Prague, I aim to view it during opposing times, day and night. 

10. Berlin

One of the most important things I want to do when I visit Berlin is to explore the Jewish History, so I will visit The Judisches Museum. I want to visit the Berlin Wall and immerse myself in Berlins art scene. There's so much to take in, so much to experience. I love museums and there are so many to visit in Berlin, including the world famous 'Island of Museums' I want to visit The Brandenburg Gate, which is one of the best known landmarks that Germany has to offer. I want to visit The Holocaust Memorial, which is a memorial in Berlin that's dedicated to the Jewish victims of the holocaust. 

I could have talked about my most important and biggest dreams for hours and hours, but I had to stop myself, I haven't quite told you everything I want to see in these countries/cities, I haven't completely explained everything I  hope to achieve with my dreams because it would take far too long and this post is long enough as it is, I may take the time to take each one of these dreams and expand on the reasons why they are my dreams and why they are so important to me, so look out for those blog posts! I'm going to take a city/country a week and just tell you everything I love about it, that could make for some interesting reads.

Until next time!

Keep dreaming…

xo

This is me

I've spent so many hours, days and years of my life trying to love myself, who I am and who I am always going to for the entirety of my life…I find it so hard.

This is always going to be me, I'm never going to change, maybe one day I will be skinny, maybe even pretty but I find that one of the hardest things to believe. I'm never going to be the skinny, beautiful girl who is amazing at everything. This is me. I am always going to be me, I need to learn to accept myself. It's so hard looking around me at everyone else, realising that I'm never going to be like them, I'm always going to be me, I need to accept it. I try so hard, some days I think "Hey, you don't look half bad" Then I take a second glance in the mirror. I hope that in the future I don't hate myself as much as I do now, I hope I learn to accept myself.

When I look back at my life, to this time last year, one thing I realise is that although I have never liked myself, I liked myself much more then than I do now. I have spent the past year of my life trying to improve myself so that I can love myself…so why do i hate myself now more than ever? I hate so much about myself, I do like my eyes, it's possibly the one thing about myself that I do like and that's just because they are different and looking back, I used to hate those too. Its good to like one thing about myself right? But there are still so many other things that I have spent my life wanting to change, wanting to be different. 

I'm not going to lie, I am quite scared that I will never accept who I am, I will never accept how I look and that this if my face, the only face I will have, these are my legs and this is my stomach, and perfect is the last thing I am. I know that some things can be changed and I will do everything in my power to change what can be changed, but what do i do about the things that cant be changed? Do I just hate them for the rest of my life? I hope not.

I'm scared that I am always going to be socially awkward. I never used to be so awkward socially, not until my accident, until I feared leaving my house and having any form of human contact. I find every situation awkward, people think I'm stuck up or just rude because I don't talk to them, I can't stress enough that this isn't the case. I have genuine fears of talking to people, I can't handle the pressure, people are too judgemental and I hate it. I can't even talk to my university tutors properly, not without getting hot sweats resulting in me almost having panic attacks, I just can't handle it, I find it so overwhelming and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how I will ever be successful in myself and my life if I find every situation awkward. 

I can't stand the looks people give you. Maybe they aren't aimed at you, or you're seeing something that isn't really there, maybe you're reading into something too much, but you don't realise that and they don't know and it hurts. People hurt people more than anything else. People are the cruellest species. I would rather be a cat spending my days eating and sleeping, not caring if I was fat because a fat cat is cute…in fact a fat anything is cute, apart from humans. If we are fat we are ugly and we are made to feel the lowest of the low. 

I see people, who aren't perfect and they love themselves and I have spent so much of my life wondering how they do it. Why can't I do it? Why do I find it so hard? Some days I just want to be someone else, I just want to look like someone else. Some days I accept myself a little, I think about how much I'm going to love myself in the future and how it's just going to take time, but I'm unsure. 

I spend so much of my life pretending that I am happy with myself, no one else needs to know that I'm not, positive energy reflects upon everyone and as soon as one person acts negatively, everyone does.

I hope one day I look back and laugh at how stupid I was being, I hope I learn to love myself because how and why do I expect other people to love me if I can't even love myself.

xo