I want to be a writer

THE DREAM:

I WANT TO BE A WRITER.

THE REALITY:

I AM GOING TO BECOME A WRITER

Hey guys, do you remember me? I know I've been gone for awhile, life happened.

Life can sometimes get in the way of who you want to be, you have bills to pay for, mouths to feed, it makes following your dreams something much harder than you ever expected. Since leaving University and starting work I've pretty much stopped doing most of the things I love, the things that I'm truly passionate about, it's something I shouldn't have let happen, something that I intend to change. I can't help but look at my life an feel incredibly lucky for what I do have, it's something I'll never take for granted, I just never thought that I would find myself in a position that I wouldn't be able to follow my dreams. 

Everything's going to change, those things that have always been important to me will take first priority in my life.

Life can be hard, it throws obstacles into your life that you never expect, sometimes it can be hard to fight your way through this, but these are the things that make you a stronger person, these are the things that ultimately make you who you are.

I have a dream. I mean I have a lot of dreams, but this one is the most important, this is the one that will become a reality, whether it works out the way I want it to or not. 

At the end of 2014/beginning of 2015 I lost myself a little bit, I forgot who I was, I didn't quite know who I wanted to become and which paths in life I wanted to take, but all of that has changed.

I want to become a writer.

I started studying my degree during September of 2012, I always thought that this was the right path for  my life, I always though this was how I was going to become who I wanted to be. I soon noticed that wasn't the case, but I chose to stick at it anyway because I didn't know where to go from there, I'm still a little uncertain. 

I haven't gave my degree the full dedication that I probably should have, this was the first sign that I had made a big mistake. During my final year at University I lost my motivation completely, I found it hard to continue.

One thing in life I hate more than anything is having a lack of motivation, which is something that I have nothing for when it comes to media, but when I think about writing and becoming a writer, well that's a completely different story.

I have began writing a book, it might seem a little random, but it's something I have wanted to do for the longest time. It's still in the REALLY early stages, but I am feeling quite hopeful with the direction in which it's going. 

Where do I go from here?

• Just sit down and write.
• Have a target of 1500 words a day.
• Writing doesn't stop when I leave the house, use my iPhone/iPad to write whilst I am out and about.
• When writing, disconnect from the world, the less distractions the better. 
• Make a drink before I start, the less reasons to procrastinate the better. 
• Spend each day re-reading what I have written the day before.
• 
  

I haven't felt this motivated about something in such a long time, this is the greatest feeling. I'm taking some really big risks with my life right now, although I am not much of a risk taker, this seems necessary. 

This is hopefully going to change who I am as a person, hopefully I will become more driven than I am at the moment, hopefully I will procrastinate less and strive to be the greatest that I can be.

I'll keep you updated.

All the best, Ashleigh

xo

Moving forward

Each blogger will understand what I go through on a day to day basis when I talk about just staring at the blank blog post before me, struggling and trying to figure out what to blog about. I'm learning that I shouldn't let it be as hard as it sometimes is, I should just blog when it comes naturally to me instead of trying to force out random words onto the blank page before me. 

I've been sitting here for a good half an hour, just staring at this blank, white page, so clean, so empty…that's the problem, it's empty…well, not anymore!

As most of you know, if you occasionally look at my blog at least, I have been a University student for the past 3 years and with this comes a string of regrets, a string of crushed dreams and aspirations. One thing that I do like to think about my time at University it that it's helped me to grow as an individual. I can honestly say that if I had never took the plunge into University, then I wouldn't be who I am today, I might not have the life that I have today.

The past 3 years I have been filled with so much hatred for the world, for my degree, for the people on my degree, but it's not their fault, it's not my fault, it's the education systems fault, and although I dislike to try and lay blame onto other people, that's all I can do here. If I'd have never been told from such an early age that the only way to get a good job and be successful was to go to school and achieve great GCSE'S, then to College and then to University, then I'd have probably never even considered going to Uni. What's done is done, although the last 3 years have been the absolute bane of my existence. I can honestly say that I am now feeling happy, happier than I have in the longest of time. My life is about to start, I'm about to be released into the real world, to get a job, to have money, most importantly, to have control of my own life, which is something that I don't think I have ever had.

Like I have said, University helped me to grow as a person, it encouraged who I have become. 3 years ago I was a completely different person in so many ways. Uni has helped me to grow up mentally, it's helped me to age in a way I needed to, although maybe now my brain is too old for my age, but that's perfectly acceptable. Do you know what the greatest thing is? Soon I will never have to do another Uni assignment, I feel like I'll be set free, like a bird from a cage, it's a wonderful feeling. I've never in my life found anything as hard and as challenging as Uni, and although it's a wonderful thing to challenge yourself in life, it's also good to make sure that the thing that's challenging you is actually something that you want because if not, you're not going to give it your all, you're not going to care if you fail or succeed, but like they say, it's better to try and fail than never to try at all. 

I will forever regret applying for this degree and accepting my place to study a BSc in Broadcast and Media Production at Liverpool John Moores University, but I will not regret who it has made me become, I'm a much better person for going through this, I know more about myself than I ever did, I know more of what I want and more importantly what I don't want, most importantly, I now know that being happy is the one thing that matters above anything else, nothing is at all worth it if happiness isn't in your life. 

My life is truly about to start, I'm about to move forward with life and that's the most exciting thing that I have ever experienced. No longer will I accept the unhappiness that I most certainly do not deserve, no more will I do something that I'm not passionate about, no more will I not be myself. The past few months of my life have already progressively got better, with the introduction of new and wonderful people into my life, a wonderfully incredibly boyfriend, a best friend who I can count on like a sister, a family who I can depend on, people who encourage me and inspire me…how can the people in my life get any better? Here's the time to begin concentrating on other aspects of my life, I now have a house to pay for, food to put onto the table, bills to pay for, bank overdrafts to pay back, student loans to payback and a life of adventure, love and happiness to plan for. I have so many plans, so many dreams to achieve, so many things that make me look forward to the future, so many wonderful people in my life that make me look forward to the future. 

The future is coming, it's coming fast and it's coming soon. Things are changing, my life is about to change for the better, it's time to feel like I belong in this world, like I have a place, a purpose. It's time to kick stress out of my life, after all, stressing solves nothing, it just causes problems. 

So here's to the future, here's to the life that I'm going to have, the people that will hopefully be in my life for the longest of time. Here's to who I have become, who I am yet to become and who I am forever destined to be. Here's to having passion, showing kindness and being happy…here's to the life that I deserve, the life that I am going to throw myself into. 

Have a wondeful day my lovelies xoxo

Have courage and be kind

A Letter To My Future Self

A letter to Granny A.

Dearest Ashleigh,

How's life been treating you? I hope the years have been kind to you, I know that you always feared growing old, I want you to know that if you're holding onto any grudges or if you have any regrets, then you should let them go, life's too short. I'm writing to you in the year of 2015, some would say this is the prime of your life, you've just turned 21 and I believe a lot will have changed since then.

2015 was the year that you moved into a new house with your dearest friend Stacey, the year you had a fresh start, I don't know how much of it you will remember, but at this moment in time you're absolutely loving it. You've been living here for nearly 3 months, I'm not going to lie to you and say that it has been easy, but know that this has been one of the best years of your life so far. How is Stacey by the way? I hope that she's still in your life, she should always be in your life, I'm not quite sure how you'd cope without her. This was the time in your life that you found out more about your bestfriend than you ever thought possible.

All through your childhood and young adulthood you found it quite hard to fully accept who you were and who you were always going to be, know that being at war with yourself for so long was one of your biggest flaws, know that you should have never hated yourself so intensely. I'd like to think that by now you fully appreciate yourself, you're worth so much more than you once thought.

You get addicted to things, quite easily actually, you have quite the addictive personality. You could literally watch Netflix none stop, for days on end, marathoning your way through Television Shows like there's no tomorrow. You currently have 3 different xbox consoles, you absolutely love to game, it's your way of switching yourself off from the world, you're known as the "geeky" friend. You drink a lot of water, I really do mean a lot, they say it's healthy to drink water, but probably not the amount you currently drink.

You find it quite hard to be alone, especially being alone in your home, it's something you haven't quite got the hang of. You sometimes find it incredibly hard to sleep at a reasonable time, although you love the morning, you love gazing at the sunrise, sometimes you just don't have the choice but to miss out on that, you have sleep tremors, usually more often than you don't. The world is something you love, you can't wait to travel, to explore the beauty that it holds, I hope that's something you managed to do, I know that if you didn't then that's probably something that you now regret.

You have an introverted personality, people often don't understand, most just think you're rude and that hurts to know. Talking to new people can often be hard for you, but you have the most wonderful friends in your life right now, you also have such an amazing boyfriend. OH YES! You have a boyfriend! How did that one work out? Was it the 'one' ? I hope so, I truly do. You've never been as happy in a relationship as you are at this present moment, you've never connected with someone so deeply, never had so much in common with one individual, don't ruin that, don't let that one get away. You're so loving, you care so deeply about so much, you risk your feelings too much and get hurt even more.

You're quite restless, you always feel like you should be doing something. You adore blogging, you've actually nearly been blogging for a year now, so congratulations! I hope that this never stops, this makes you so happy! You love music, I mean really love music, you absolutely adore Taylor Swift, she's your role model, she's always been your role model and you love her so intensely. You love McFly, they are your boys, a few years ago they joined up with James Bourne and Matt Willis to create the ultimate supergroup, McBusted, it's a wonderful experience, something you'll never forget, don't ever forget.

You've grown up so much in the past few years, you're so much wiser than your age.

You want to be a writer, a director, a zoo keeper, a singer, a photographer, a columnist, a time traveler, a forensic anthropologist and a demon hunter…I don't think you actually know what you want to be, but a writer seems to be the winning idea for you. You're a dreamer and a believer. You believe that time travel will one day be possible, you believe in extra terrestrial life, you believe in many conspiracies, in fact, you're practically Hodgins from Bones. You are kind, you believe that being kind is the greatest legacy that you can leave behind, you've been doing so much for charity lately, I hope that's something that never stops.

How's the family? I really do hope that everything worked out with you and Mike because you should never be alone Granny A, and he's so incredibly perfect. You find losing loved ones to be one of the hardest things in the world, you're not strong, not at all. Earlier this month, April 2015, your dearest Grandmother was sent to hospital, you were right to worry from day one, she's incredibily sick and you're currently incredibly heartbroken, I hope that everything will be okay because I know that you're going to hurt so much if it's not. Losing your Grandad was the hardest thing that you have ever had to experience, sometimes I look back and wonder how you made it past that moment in time, but you did and it was so hard. Think positive.

Remember 2015 as the year that was going incredibly awesome, apart from a few things, remember it as the year you truly understood what it was like to run your own house, the year you fell in love harder than you ever thought possible, and the year you made so many plans for the future.

I'll be seeing you Granny A, until we meet again…

Your dearest self, Ashleigh.
Aged 21.
11/04/2015

P.S. NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE.

2015 IN PICTURES
BECAUSE PICTURES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Life's Not A Dress Rehearsal

I've spent my entire life in education, why you might ask? The answer will always be the same, because I was pushed into it, because I was told that this was what I had to do to become successful, to get the job of my dreams. I've came to realise that this was the biggest mistake of my life. I enjoyed College and would quite happily say that it was the best time of my entire life, everything about it was perfect and at that moment in time, I had never felt the passion that I did then for Media...little did I know that was soon to take a horrifying turn. I began my degree in September of 2012, after the first few months I knew it wasn't for me and following my car accident and all of the terrible things that I encountered during these months of my life, I decided to drop out of uni and I had never felt happier, I was stress free. This was all until I decided to go back, due to the fact that I am not a quitter and that I didn't want to disappoint, I never want to disappoint. 

I'm now in my final year of University and most people would say that it would be the stupidest thing ever to give up now, but is that really so true? nothing has ever made me so stressed, this stress has caused me to get extremely behind on my work. My Final Year Project and Dissertation are due in around 2 weeks time….I've not even started it and I completely lack all motivation to do so. Naturally this is stressing me out but I am completely confused as to where I go from here, I just don't know what to do. 

I just want to skip forwards in time, I want to throw myself at the world and to start my life completely. I'm absolutely terrified of failing in life, it's my biggest fear and it's something that I need to overcome. I'm terrified of looking back in 10 years time and wondering where my life went wrong, wondering why I'm not where I want to be. I really hope that I am where I want to be. 

There's so much I want to do in life, no dream is too big for me to hope it comes true. In one of my earlier posts I created a bucket list, it was full of a wide variety of things if I do say so myself. Well in this post I'm going to give you a list of just 10 things, 10 major things that I want to achieve in my life, whether that's visiting a place or just doing something, I would also like to point out that these are in no particular order. 

1. Rome

For as long as I can remember I have always had a rather large fascination with Roman history and with this comes a great desire to explore the city. I've spent so many hours on the internet reading up and just looking up certain things about the city and I've came to realise that along with just how beautiful the city is, there's also some rather magnificent ancient Roman architecture that I would absolutely die to see. The Colosseum, like most people, is the first thing on my list, the pictures already show just how amazing this structure is, but to see it in person? Yes please! Another big thing on my list to see when visiting the city of Rome if The Pantheon, this structure was originally built during the reign of Augustus (27 BC - 14 AD) but was then rebuilt around 126AD, even after 2000 years the Pantheon's dome is still the worlds largest unreinforced concrete dome. There's so much to see in Rome, so much history to take in, I can't wait to visit this beautiful city, I can't wait to fall completely in love.

2. Paris in a weekend

Those who know me will know that I don't have a very big love for France, it's not one of my top places, I see Paris as being a little bit overrated, especially with places like Prague and Venice in the world, but there are some things in Paris that I absolutely have to see, I aim to take Paris by storm in just one short weekend. The number one thing that fascinates me when I think about Paris is The Louvre, although I'm not good at art myself, I love to see the work of others, I absolutely adore it. The Louvre is filled with many, many beautiful works of art, including the world famous Mona Lisa, I just know that I could spend hours here just standing in awe. Obviously if you go to Paris you have to see Eiffel Tower, although I don't have a huge fascination for this, I would still like to see it and get myself a few cheeky pictures. Paris is filled with beautiful monuments, that's the main reason I want to visit this city, I want to see Notre Dame Cathedral, which dates back to 1163 and The Roman catholic Basilica of Sacre Coeur. I want to visit the lock bridge, take in the culture, admire the art and take Paris by storm. 

3. Swim with Sharks

I love Sharks, I think they are one of the most wonderful, beautiful and misunderstood creatures alive today. There's not much to say about this, the title of this section pretty much speaks for itself. The only issue here is that I cannot swim and due to bad experiences with learning to swim when I was younger I have a little fear with learning to do so, but with this being such a big dream of mine, that's just something I have to overcome to that I can experience this. 

4. Have my own family

This is probably my biggest dream of all, if I can't do anything else in life but this, then I wouldn't actually care. For as long as I can remember I have always dreamed of having my own little family. When your time on this planet is up there isn't much you can leave behind that will actually matter, besides who you were and who you left behind. My family will become my legacy, when I'm gone from this world, I will live on through them. Having a family could be one of the most beautiful gifts in life, with this comes a life of adventure and a life of change. I can only imagine how wonderful this experience will be, I can't wait to make it my own experience.

5. Accept myself for who I am

Life is too short to spend another second at war with yourself, this is the motto I will continue to live by. It can often be hard to accept yourself for who you are, to understand that you are you and you are all you are ever going to be. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though! You get to decide who you are, you get to decide the kind of person you are going to be, the paths in life that you are going to take, you have the ability to change anything about your life should you wish to. I am me, I am the only me that is ever going to exist, I have countless number of freckles, heterochromia, the rosiest of rosy red cheeks ever possible, two feet, two arms, a head and a brain that makes me who I am, a brain that determines who I want to be and all that I can ever become. I've grown to accept this a little more over the past few years, I'm an awkward person, but that makes me who I am. I'm kind hearted and that's probably the most wonderful thing about me. It can take a life time to figure out who you really are and to completely accept it. That's what I hope to do, I hope to accept myself for who I truly am and to be thankful that I am me. 

6. New Zealand

New Zealand is arguably one of the most spectacular places that this world has to offer, just take a look at the breathtaking scenery if you don't believe me. Naturally, as The Lord of The Rings is one of my most favourite films, exploring the location of filming is an absolute must, especially hiking around Mordor! One of the main things I'd like to do in New Zealand is explore the the scenery because it's absolutely breathtaking in photographs, I can only imagine what it's going to be like standing right there in the middle of it. I want to visit the 'adventure capital of the world' that is Queenstown, the fun that could come from visiting this location is pretty much guaranteed, along with the views from scenery as well, what's not to like? I want to visit Milford Sound, which is often described as one of the natural wonders of the world. 

7. Japan

What can I say about Japan apart from the fact that I have had a fascination with this country for the longest time. One thing I aim to do before visiting Japan is to learn the language, or at least some of it. I want to see The Icicles of Misotsuchi which are the icicles that appear on the mountain located near the Awakawa River. Takeda Castle, although this was destroyed around 400 years ago, the stone wall still exists in it's original style. One of the main reasons I would absolutely love to visit Japan is to visit the historic landmarks, such as Shuri Catle Park, which harbours ruins from the Ryukyuan culture, Hiroshima Peace Memorial, which is the only building remained standing after the atomic bomb explosion during August 1945. I want to take in as much of the Japanese culture as humanly possible. 

8. See Taylor Swift live in concert

It's not a big surprise to anyone who knows me that this is one of my dreams. Taylor Swift has been my idol for such a long time and I fully believe she always will be. I just adore everything about her, she's just a wonderful human being. It's horrible knowing that I have still not seen her in concert, I just haven't been able to afford to when she's released tickets. I will see her, it doesn't matter which era this is in, but it will be a thing, it will happen. 

9. Prague 

The diversity of the city's architecture means there is something for everyone to enjoy. This city has so much architecture to offer, from Romanesque chapels and cellars to Cathedrals and palaces and gardens. There's so much I want to see in Prague, possibly too much to list, so I'll just talk about a few of them. Prague Castle looks absolutely breathtaking and is the largest ancient castle in the world. There's so much to see at Prague Castle that it could take days to full appreciate everything that it has to offer, from churches and gardens to Royal residences. Tyn Church is a gothic looking Church that can be viewed from all over Prague. The Church has two towers which can be admired due to their pure beauty, I've read up a lot about this church and have found that although this Church is wonderful to see during the day time, it's absolutely gobsmacking to see at night, so when I eventually get the chance to visit Prague, I aim to view it during opposing times, day and night. 

10. Berlin

One of the most important things I want to do when I visit Berlin is to explore the Jewish History, so I will visit The Judisches Museum. I want to visit the Berlin Wall and immerse myself in Berlins art scene. There's so much to take in, so much to experience. I love museums and there are so many to visit in Berlin, including the world famous 'Island of Museums' I want to visit The Brandenburg Gate, which is one of the best known landmarks that Germany has to offer. I want to visit The Holocaust Memorial, which is a memorial in Berlin that's dedicated to the Jewish victims of the holocaust. 

I could have talked about my most important and biggest dreams for hours and hours, but I had to stop myself, I haven't quite told you everything I want to see in these countries/cities, I haven't completely explained everything I  hope to achieve with my dreams because it would take far too long and this post is long enough as it is, I may take the time to take each one of these dreams and expand on the reasons why they are my dreams and why they are so important to me, so look out for those blog posts! I'm going to take a city/country a week and just tell you everything I love about it, that could make for some interesting reads.

Until next time!

Keep dreaming…

xo