A Letter to my past self

A Letter to Younger A.

 

Dearest Ashleigh,

 

You don't know me yet, but I know you better than you currently know yourself, please hold on because things are going to get so good for you!

 

You're so young and innocent right now and don't have a care in the world, this isn't going to last forever so do take advantage of that. I've been dreading writing this part down because it may break your heart a little bit, but you'll never actually become a Pokemon Trainer, unfortunately that will just be a dream. However in 2016 a downloadable game for mobile will be released that will allow you to collect Pokemon via the app, even battle to become a gym master, and it will bring you closer to becoming a trainer than ever before. Again, you'll never form a girl band, save the world from Aliens or visit a Jurassic Park, but you will accomplish so much that you don't even know is important right now.

 

Right now so much of what people say to you probably bothers you, you take everything to heart, but always remember that people are scared of things that are different or things they don't understand. I'm talking about the wonderful colour of your eyes, ignore what people say because people will stare in awe as you grow, they will know how beautiful they are. I'm sorry you're not the prettiest girl, the thinnest girl or even the most popular girl, but take a moment to think about whether that truly matters, you have the kindest soul, kindness is a beautiful thing to have.

 

I know that you have a hard time during primary school, they've put you in extra classes and don't listen to you, but you're going to do better than they could ever imagine. You'll finish high school with amazing GCSE results, you will A* College and even go on to study a BSc in Broadcast and Media Production, probably the hardest degree you could have possibly chosen, but it's worth it.

 

You're currently struggling to make friends right now, but can I let you into a little secret? It doesn't matter because you're about to leave this place. You're going to come across hard times when you do move, your mothers partner isn't your biggest fan, but try not to let him get to you too much because you're worth so much more. The big move will be happening sooner than you think, and you'll go onto form many friendships that will continue throughout your life.

 

You're worth so much more than you could ever imagine and you have so much to offer the world. Your so kind, you're so loving and you put everyone else before yourself. 

 

I must go now, you have a Fiance, a job, and even a house now, there's so much to do.

 

Your dearest self, Ashleigh

Aged: 23

Date: 26/03/17

It's Time To Free Your Mind

When surfing the internet, you can really come across anything, quite often these things can be amazing and they can really help you see things in a different way, it's how you interpret things that makes you different. 

If you're struggling to come up with something to blog about, I would suggest giving these questions a go, they can be interpreted in a variety of different ways, no answer is wrong. 

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

If age wasn't a thing and you didn't take my chubby, rosy cheeks into consideration then I would probably say that I would be in my late 30's or early 40's. My brain has always been a lot older and wider than I actually am, I've always been the kind of person who views life in a different way to those of similar ages to me.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying. To fail something is a far greater achievement than to never attempt it. To never try something means to not have the courage to attempt it, you can't fail if you don't try, but you also cannot succeed.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Most of the time in life we don't really get a choice, even if we think that we do. Life throws obstacles into our lives that often distract us from pursuing what we really hope to. Sometimes in life you have to do the things you don't want to do and you don't get the opportunity to do the things you desperately want to do. It's just life really, it happens to the best of us. 

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I honestly hope not, I hope not more than anything, but I probably will have. I have too many dreams in life, I'm far too ambitious. I have so many dreams that I don't actually know if it's possible to achieve all of them. Out journey in life is far too short, but I will give it my best shot, I'm feeling hopeful. 

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Animal Cruelty. All animals deserve love and attention, especially when they have never hurt anyone and would never even consider to do so. People can be inhumane, it breaks my heart. To look into an animals eyes and see love is one of the greatest things you could ever experience. The moment where you look into their eyes and see pain and fear is truly heartbreaking. If you don't care about an animal, well first off, you should never have chosen to get said animal, but also, you should pass them on to someone who will give them the love and attention that they truly deserve. Animal cruelty needs to stop. Animals are just as important as humans, and if you think not, then I truly feel sorry for your lack of judgement. 

Also, I would like to the change how people view the homeless. From experience, I have noticed that those who have nothing left to give will try and give you something anyway, but those who have everything to give, will more often than not act selfishly about it. We are all human, we are all equals, no matter how much money is in your pocket. To walk down the street and experience someone begging you for money and then walking away must make you feel like a terrible person, if this isn't the case then you must be coldhearted. They are equals, they deserved to be helped. No one should starve to death because no one will help them. Give to the needy, not to the greedy. 

 If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

There's so much that could honestly make me happy, if happiness was the national currency I would do so much much to change the world. To make those around you happy is the greatest gift you can receive. Working with animals could truly make me happy, being the person to look after them and keep them from harm. I'd also like to create movies around the world, aswell as photographing. Our planet is such a huge place for us humans, there are so many things to see. I just think making a difference in the world would be the biggest thing that would make me happy. Helping those who need the help, making a difference. 

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I am definitely doing what I believe in. Although as it stands at this current moment, I don't think that I am in a good place with my degree, but i know that it's still the right thing for me, I still believe in it and I still want the overall outcome. 

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I would treat every single day with care, life is already precious enough as it is. I think I would have made different life decisions to ensure that I have started my life early, to ensure that I was happy.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I don't think that I have had control of my life in the respect that I have been stuck in the education system for my entire life, forever doing what I have been told and having a constant flow of assignments. 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Both. I have always been the kind of person that try's to make sure I am doing the right things. I'm a good person and every single thing that I do in life is with the best intentions. I often get scared of doing things wrong, I'm scared of messing up. 

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

I would explain to them that the person of which they are criticising is a good friend of mine. I'd let them know that it's unkind to be so rude towards another person. I always try to have the nicest people as friends, I try not to have negative people in my life. I'm a good person, just like each and every one of my friends. At the end of the day, life is too short to have people in your life who could turn on you at any moment and hurt you or your loved ones. 

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Take every opportunity you get with open arms because what comes around once may never come around again. Have no regrets. 

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

It depends on whether it was the right thing to do. Breaking the law is something that I would never do. Everything I do in life is with the best intentions and that's something that will never change.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

In the words of the late Robin Williams 

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it" 

Everyone is a little crazy, it just takes the right things to show it. 

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I am a unique person. Like everyone on the planet there is only one of me. I look like me, act like me, talk like me and I am the only me who exists on this planet. I do being human differently to everybody else, because no one else is me. 

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

We are all individual people. Each and every one of us are separate being to everyone else. This means that we don't have the same interests as one another. One thing could make someone the happiest person in the world, but could make another completely miserable.  

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?

Travel. Life is holding me back.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

If you had of asked me this a few months ago then I would have said yes, I would have said that I often find things hard to let go, but that's not the case anymore. So no, I am not. 

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

There are so many amazing countries in the world that I don't know if I could choose. I'd love to live in Rome or NYC but I don't like the idea of living in one place for your entire life, the world has too much to offer.

Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

I press it twice, not because I think it comes faster but because I feel a need to do it twice rather than once, if I press it a third time I then have to press it a fourth. I do it with everything, pressing the button to cross the road, i cant help it and just think its something I do.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

I'm a huge stress head, I worry about everything in my life and I just can't stop. I wish there was a button to turn it off. I would much prefer to be joyful.

Why are you, you?

Because I am who I was intended to be.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Sometimes when I look at myself, I think I have been one of the best friends some people could have, maybe I am bias and i think that because I am me. I'm a really anxious, awkward person with low self esteem and sometimes if I haven't seen someone for a very long time I find it hard to deal with the situation, I find it hard to act as myself. I'm always there for my friends, I try to help with anything as much as I can. 

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you. If someone can live so close to you then it shouldn't be so hard to continue the friendship, unless it wasn't meant to be. At least if someone moves away then there is very viable excuse. 

What are you most grateful for?

My family, especially my mother, she has always been there for me when I have needed her and without her I wouldn't be the person I am today. 

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

I would lose old memories, it means all of the pain from my life would be forgotten. It would be like an empty book and I could start again, recreating the story of my life. 

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

I don't think it is, something can't be certain until you have tried it.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

My biggest fear is to lose my loves one. The moment that I lost my granddad was the most heartbreaking day of my entire life, I can still remember it like it had just happened, I can still remember how I reacted. Knowing that this pain is something I'm likely to experience again in life, leaves me feeling scared, scared of feeling this way again. 

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

All I can remember from 5 years ago would be all of the hatred and tears I shed from my school life. I wouldn't say any of that matters anymore, but I wouldn't say it's forgotten.

What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

When I was little we lived in this area with woods near by and I remember being in them with both my siblings and my friends. I'm not sure how it happened but there was a small fire, and I just remember running to my uncle to tell him and him coming over not being able to find it…The reason that he couldn't find it was because the idiot had sat on it and put it out. This will always be one of my fondest and funniest memories. It's so hard to come up with the happiest memory because I just have so many. I had a really good childhood, filled with plenty of laughs. 

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

The moment I am holding a camera in my hands I realise how much it means to me.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Nothing, you have nothing to lose. We as humans are so scared of the unknown that we find risks extremely hard to take, we are scared about the effect it could have on our life.

Have you ever been with someone said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Sometimes you don't need words to fully understand each other, especially when it's someone close to you.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

People care too much about what other people believe in. People usually believe that it's pretty much their way or the highway. It all boils down to discrimination of other religions. 

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

No. Something that is good at one point could turn on to be evil. You can't figure this out without experiencing it, it's one of life's flaws. Things should be labelled with good and evil, it would save so much hurt.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

No because I don't think I would enjoy that. I would go travelling for a bit, that's definitely something i would do. I would buy my mum a little house and make sure she's happy. I wouldn't use the money to live off, more to make myself and those of which I care about happy. 

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More work of which I enjoy doing. If I enjoy it then why wouldn't I want more of it? I like to have things to do, I like to keep myself busy. I like to feel as though I'm being productive. 

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Yes. I feel like every day is a repetition of the previous. I feel like life is stuck on pause yet still on play. I would love for a change, a big change, something to happen to make my life different. 

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I'm a very anxious person and one thing in life that truly does scare me is risks. I want to be able to risk everything for something I believe in and I hope one day I can but right now I can't. I too scared of messing up with everything and making those who love me disappointed and thats one thing I really don't want.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

My family and dearest loved ones, I'd spend the entire day with them and wouldn't budge for a second, I'd just treat it like a normal day with them. 

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Definitely not. Life isn't about how good looking you are or how famous you are, at the end of the day that doesn't matter. What matters is the people in your life who love you now for who you are. Life is a precious thing and you shouldn't want to reduce it for something so meaningless. Life is about being happy, being in the spotlight, not being able to be a private person wouldn't make me happy, It would probably make me very unhappy…I'd hate it. Yes I would like to be prettier, I really would, but this is my life, this is who I am and I shouldn't want to change it for anything.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

To be alive means to be breathing, but to be truly living means to be enjoying life to it's fullest, to be happy and doing what you want to do in life. Everyone is alive but not everyone is truly living.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When risking what we have is all we can do.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because the stage in between making the mistake and learning could involve something horrible. The consequences could be of that with great repricautions on our lives and that's one of the scariest things.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I'd be happier with me, in todays society I fear that everyone is judging me and I take it far much to heart, I'm such a sensitive person. I would do whatever I love whenever I want to and I wouldn't have anything to fear.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Usually when I'm in bed, I notice it a lot then. When I'm on a bus or walking and I have my headphones in I feel like I am breathing really loudly and start panicking about other people hearing it too.

What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love so many things, I love making movies and photography, I love blogging…clearly and I just love doing what I enjoy. 

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

I would like to think so. The past few days of my life has been amazing, hopefully that will continue and these are the days I will remember for a long time.

Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I am making them for myself. One thing I would never do is give someone the power of my life. 

It's time to free your mind

Until next time! 

xo

Flash bursts

Isn't it crazy to look around you and think about how one day, not so far from this one today, you will be an elderly person, like those whom you may talk to on the bus, it's a completely crazy thought…

It'll happen in the blink of an eye. Suddenly everything will have changed and the only time you will notice is when you stop looking back at the days gone by and start looking at the years, that will be the moment you will wonder about how you got to where you are. Days turn into weeks, into months and into years, suddenly you're 60, 70, 80…That's the moment you will look back, the moment you will still feel as old as you do right now. That moment will come, the moment you look into the mirror as your once young self and notice the change. You will look back upon the amazing life that you have  behind you and wonder how you got to this moment in time so fast…it's as if you batted your eyes and suddenly you're much older than you once were. There will be flash bursts of past memories, they will all hit you at once and the only thing you will be able to do with them is smile…that's the moment you realise that you have made life your own.

Have you ever walked down the street or sat on the bus and noticed those whom are much older than yourself and wonder what they used to be like? When they were at the age we are right now…Their teenage/young adult years are now just a distant memory, a story to tell their loved ones. They are now parents, grandparents, possibly even great grandparents, one day that will be us.

When surfing the internet the other day I stumbled upon the following quote...


“Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...”

― C.S. Lewis

This quote actually inspired me to write this post and it's possibly one of the truest quotes i have ever read. When you look at your life day by day you don't notice the change, everything happens gradully and over a long period of time, so long that you don't notice the changes. As soon as you look at the bigger picture, look at all the years that have passed by, you will notice every possible change, that's the moment it will seem like an eternity away. 

The future is always a interesting topic, it's quite a daunting thought, one day we will not be so young, so skinny and so pretty. You will never be as young as you are now, you will only age, but that just means you grow as a person too. The future is a wonderful thing, something to be excited about and you should be excited!

Life is just flash bursts of past memories, one day they will catch up with you and that's when you will notice how much has changed.

xo

Nothing lasts forever

I've just this week applied for my student finance, for the last time. It's actually really scary knowing that this is my final year at Uni.

I'm really worried about it to be honest, not just because I'll be finishing my degree and entering the big bad world, but because of how important my final year it.

I'm scared that I won't come out with the degree I want, I don't want to disappoint myself and most importantly my family.

The month of August is just around the corner and I haven't yet got a solid idea for my dissertation. It's not that I am short of ideas; it's more that I have far too many ideas and just can't settle on one. I need to choose the best one, the one I can do the greatest and it's the hardest thing choosing, especially when I'm not really a decision maker.

I need my dissertation to be the greatest work I have ever created. I want it to be something that makes me proud to call it my work, The film length must be at least 20 minutes; I find it so hard working with such specific lengths because it just means I can't do specific things.

I hate having all of these worries, the worrying of University, money and life in general. The future absolutely terrifies me. I am so afraid of the unknown. I mean don't get me wrong, I am excited to see what the future holds for me, but I'm so scared of filming out at the same time. I wish that I didn't have all of these worries. I wish I was still a little kid, running around without a care in the world. I don't think we knew how lucky we were. I'd give anything to go back, to not have all of this stress on my shoulders. I wish I had never grown up.

As a child all I ever wanted to do was grow up, but now I have reached the stage where I would give anything to go back. How were we to know that life would be like this? How were we to know that it would be so hard and challenging? I miss the freedom, seeing my friends all of the time and nor caring about how much money was in my pocket.

WHY CAN'T LIFE JUST BE SIMPLE?

I mean, I'm not complaining, well maybe I am just a little, but life is good right now, it really is. It's better than it has been in a long time, but I'm still so scared. I'm just a natural worrier. I can't help it, I worry about anything and everything. I'm actually quite a negative person, although not a lot of people will notice that. I'm really pessimistic. I can never look forward to the good things because I always worry about it going wrong, surely that's better than being disappointed? At least if I think negatively then I wont be too disheartened.

I hope to enjoy life more in the future, I just need my life to pan out the way I want it too, I need to know what's going to happen in the future, then I can start enjoying it.
xo