The
Adventures of Stashleigh and the Cheesecake
Once upon a time, in the land before
time, there lived two fairy princesses, one named Stash, the other named Leigh,
combine harvester they became known as Stashleigh.
It was Tuesday, the day before Monday in
Upside Down Town; in the ghetto blocks of Peruvia and Stashleigh were
thirsty.
Stash said to Leigh "I know what
will quench our thirst, a nice slice of cheesecake." So off they went into
the desert atop their spotted Zebras.
Upon travelling they came across a
herd of metal-headed Dolphins. Jeremiah, the king of the metal-headed
Dolphins, known as the Dolphin with a green Mohawk, blocked their path to
Cheesecake Kingdom.
Out he bellowed, "You shall not
pass."
"But please sir" said Leigh,
"I want some more."
"More?!" quipped Stash,
"What do you mean more?"
"Oh, I forgot to tell you Stash, I
had some fishcakes earlier"
"How dare you!" Yelled
Jeremiah, the king of the metal headed Dolphins, "That was my inbred cousin, Lucius
Malfoy!"
Then Voldemort turned up with his magic
toilet brush, "Malfoy was a traitor anyway!" he slithered.
"I'm not scared of you Voldymort,
for you have no nose"
Voldemort stamped on Jeremiah's tail,
"I told you, I'm sensitive about that. I'm just a sensitive guy."
"Gotcha nose Voldy! Oh wait…"
Jeremiah laughed evilly.
"Let's see if you find this
funny!" Voldemort grinned, and with a swish of his magic toilet brush, he
yelled "I banish thee Jeremiah, king of the metal headed dolphins, to the
land of no noses, where you will spend the rest of you dolphin days with no
nose!"
"Oh okay!" Jeremiah replied,
not seeming to care.
"And also, you lose the Mohawk"
"NOOOOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THE
MOHAWK!!!!!" Yelled Jeremiah, breaking down into a million tears.
The tears formed an ocean and Jeremiah
swam away, never to be seen again. As Jeremiah disappeared into the distance, a
shark swam closer to the group.
"Oh for god's sake, all I want is
some cheesecake" grumbled Stash.
"Voldemort Riddle, you have an ASBO
on yo ass, banishing you from this spot in the desert. What are you doing
here?"
"Just off for my morning jog
really, nothing special"
"Oh, well you are still banished,
remove yourself immediately!" Herbert, the shark sheriff replied.
"No" Voldemort replied,
sticking his tongue out at Herbert, the shark sheriff.
"Then I have no choice but to….EAT
YO ASS!" And with that, Herbert, the shark sheriff, pulled out a table,
set a table cloth on it, got out his plate and cutlery, placed a bib into his
bow tie, and prepared to eat Voldemort.
Stashleigh watched for several hours, as
Herbert, the shark sheriff devoured what was left of Voldemort. When Herbert,
the shark sheriff, was finally finished, he looked up at Stashleigh and said,
"Now you girls have a good day, Cheesecake Kingdom is just that way, on
you go lasses." And with that, Herbert, the shark sheriff, disappeared.
Stashleigh sat atop their spotty zebras, stunned at what they had witnessed.
After a few silent moments, where only their bellies grumbling could be heard,
they decided to continue their quest to the promise land.
After several more hours of travelling,
Stashleigh came across a bat cave. Inside the bat cave, it was full of pink
pigeons, with red lipstick and teeny tiny pigeon handbags. Stashleigh tied the
spotty zebras up and entered the bat cave. As Stashleigh walked further into
the cave, the road split off into two different directions.
Stash pulled Leigh aside, "Watch
out!" She exclaimed, "You nearly got hit by a Delorean car
there!"
"Wow! Thank you, you saved
me!" Leigh replied, "That was a close one, they must've been doing at
least 88 miles an hour!"
Stashleigh approached the crossroads,
where all of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the
road, and he said, "play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your
souls!"
Stashleigh looked at each other, and
they each said, "okay". And they played the first thing that came to
their heads, it just so happened to be, the best song in the world. It was the
best song in the world. Needless to say, the beast was stunned. Whip-crack went
his whoopy tail, and the beast was done.
He snorted out, "be you
angels?"
And Stashleigh said, "Neigh, we are
but fairy princesses, ROCK! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHHHHHHHHHH"
Then the shiny demon transformed into a
magical owl, and flew away into the night, never to be seen again.
"Phew!" Stashleigh said in
unison, "I thought we were done for then!"
They glared at each other, before a
short, curly haired man ran past with a ring, yelling out "I've got it!!
I've got the one ring to rule them all!"
Stashleigh were confused by what they
had seen, and decided to ask the pink pigeons with red lipstick and teeny tiny pigeon
handbags the way. The pigeons replied with "left. Always go left."
So Stashleigh took the pigeons advice,
and turned right, into the misty cave of the mountain below. Along their
journey, Stashleigh began to hear quiet weeping and as they got further into
the cave, the weeping became more prominent. They looked under a rock and found
a weeping man-child.
"Hello? Is it me you're looking
for?" The weeping man-child hissed at Stashleigh.
"I don't know, do you sell
cheesecake?" Asked Stash.
"Oh. No I don't, not anymore. I got
outta that a looooong time ago" The weeping man-child replied.
"Are…are you okay?" Asked
Leigh.
"Not really" Replied the
weeping man-child, "someone stole my ring, and can you stop calling me the
weeping man child!"
"We only called you that in our
narrative, we haven't even written this story yet!" Stash exclaimed,
shocked.
"Well stop it, my name is
Gollum…actually that's not even who I am, not since they took my ring"
Gollum replied, tears steaming down his face.
"Who were you before you were
Gollum then?" Asked Leigh, intrigued.
"Why, I was once a normal human,
like you two! I went by the name Bason Joardman, until one day…"
"What happened?" Asked Stash,
taking up a seat next to the weeping man-child…sorry…next to Gollum, or do I
call him Bason Joardman? Anyway...
"Well, I sold this story to a
woman's magazine, and they hired me. I worked for them for a while, everything
was great! They paid me £350 for every story; I even bought my own caravan and
everything! I was working towards buying Manchester United, I was 99.9999998%
away from my target…until one day…"
"What happened then?" Asked
Leigh, pulling up another chair next to the weeping man Gollum boy child Bason
person.
"Well, I went to work one day...but
I forgot my dress and fake boobs and lady wig, and that's when they
realised…that I was in fact a male. I didn't have boobs or lady hair, I didn't
wear dresses, well apart from on the weekends, but that's a story for a
different time. I was simply a man." Gollum Joardman the weeping Bason
lady child looked on into the distance…
"So how did you end up here?"
Asked Stashleigh in unison.
"Well, I found this ring when I was
fishing with my friend Matthew Wiggins...you know he's the long lost child of
Jimmy Carr, right? Well anyway, I found this ring, and I wanted to sell it. But
it promised to show meme incredible things, so I kept it for a while. Damn what
a mistake that was, it took over my life. It turned me into this…this creature
you see before you. I still have the wig you know."
"Do you know what" Stash said
jumping up suddenly, "I've had enough of this, I'm bored, I'm cold, I'm
tired, I'm thirsty AND I WANT SOME GODDAMN CHEESECAKE….CAKE…CAKE…." Her
words echoed throughout the misty cave of the mountain below.
Leigh jumped, seemingly agreeing with
Stash. She found a key in her pocket, which just happened to fit the lock to a
cupboard door that randomly appeared next to her, she opened the door and
pushed Gollum the weeping man Bason child Joardman person into the cupboard,
before locking the door again.
Stashleigh dusted themselves off and
continued on their journey through the misty cave of the mountain below.
"You know, Stash, I think we
should've listened to the pink pigeons with red lipstick and teeny tiny pigeon
handbags back there and turned left" Leigh said to Stash.
"Nonsense! Pigeons are famous for
lying, never trust a pigeon! Especially one that carries a teeny tiny pigeon
handbag!" Stash laughed, shaking her head.
Stashleigh continued into the cave,
eventually they saw a light.
"Look, a light!" Exclaimed
Leigh
"I told you we were going the right
way!" Stash smiled, as they walked closer to the light.
When they turned the corner, they walked
right into a human sized wizard chessboard.
"Oh boy, my friend Ron Weasley told
me about these kind of things" Stash said under her breath.
"What do we do?" Asked Leigh,
eating a carrot stick she found in her pocket.
"We play chess" Stash said,
getting into position as a pawn.
"Oh good, I'm really good at
chess" Leigh replied, finishing the carrot stick.
Stashleigh played human wizard chess for
what felt like forever. After about 4 minutes, they finally got the Queen into
checkmate.
"Thank god that's over!"
Cheered Stash.
"Yeah, and for the first time in
forever, I see daylight!" Leigh replied.
"Yeah…I don't know if I'm elated or
gassy, but I'm somewhere in that zone!" Stash smiled
"Ew definitely gassy, I can smell
you from here!" Leigh said, holding her nose with her fingers.
"Erm…that's not me" Stash
grumbled
They both turned around to see a giant
pooping dinosaur, and his friend Danny Jones.
"Hi" Danny chirped, in a brash
Bolton accent
"Hello" Leigh replied,
"Is this the way to Amarillo?"
"Yeah you're going the right way,
just down there and left at the apple tree. Always go left." Danny
replied, jumping on the giant pooping dinosaurs back. He gave a quick wink to
Leigh, before riding off into the sunset in the misty cave of the mountain
below.
"Well that's settled then, we're
always going left from now on." Leigh grinned, turning to face Stash.
Stash had a confused look on her face,
well she always has a confused look on her face, but this was an even more
confused face than usual, "Was that….I think….no….it couldn't be."
"What?" Asked Leigh, now
looking equally as confused.
"Was that Danny Jones off of
McFly?!" Stash asked, almost squealing the end of her question.
"I think…I think it was!"
Exclaimed Leigh, her eyes widening at the thought.
The friends jumped around, flapping
their arms in the air like a horse.
After 4 hours of fan-girling, Stashleigh
headed out of the cave and followed Danny Jones's directions to the apple tree.
When they approached the apple tree, they heard one of the apples talking
quietly to himself.
"Hello Mr. Apple" Stash said
to the happy apple.
"How are you?" Asked Leigh,
looking up at the happy apple.
"I'm good thank you, my name is
Adam Apple, and how can I be of assistance?" Adam Apple, the happy apple
asked the girls.
"Well, we were looking for
Cheesecake Kingdom, can you send us in the one direction we need to go
in?" Stash asked Adam Apple, the happy apple.
"Ah I see" replied Adam Apple,
the happy apple, "Well, you take a left here, always go left, walk down
that pathway over there, until you come to the f…..the f…..the thing I can't
talk about. BEWARE of the thing I can't talk about."
Stashleigh look at each other, bemused
with Adam Apple, the happy apple's response.
"Ohhhkaaayyy then" they
responded in unison, before taking the advice to turn left. Always turn left.
They walked down the long and winding road
that led to the thing Adam Apple, the happy apple wasn't allowed to talk about.
When they finally reached the thing that Adam Apple, the happy apple couldn't
talk about, they came across Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, fighting, with people
surrounding them.
"What's this?!" Asked Stash,
looking shocked.
"You can't talk about them, haven't
you heard about these things?! The first rule is you can't talk about
them!" Leigh replied, looking annoyed, "Oh wait…yeah that's why you
haven't heard of these things. Do you even internet?!"
"What?!" Stash asked, becoming
confused.
"Never mind" Leigh replies,
before she shakes it off.
After receiving some more directions
from Brad Pitt, Stashleigh find themselves walking a lonely road, the only one
that they have ever known. They don't know where it goes, but its home to them
and they walk alone. They turn a corner and see the promise land. A thousand
miles into the distance, they see it. A giant cheesecake, and they would walk
500 miles, and they would walk 500 more. Just to be the fairy princesses who
walked a thousand miles to fall down at Cheesecake Kingdom. But before they can
take another step, a door falls from the sky, and Mike Wazowski and James P.
"Sulley" Sullivan turn up.
"Well, here's your door!"
Sulley exclaimed at the stunned Stashleigh.
"Erm…who are you?" Stash asked
the two characters.
"Really…we have name tags. Read the
goddamn name tags!" Mike replied.
"Mike Wizow….how do you say
that?" Leigh asked, looking at Mike's nametag.
"It's Wazowski, but I go by
Williams these days" Mike explained, getting on his motorbike.
"And I'm Sulley, if anyone
cares" Sulley replied, getting into the sidecar attached to the motorbike.
The pair drove off and left Stashleigh
with a door. Stash moved closer to the door and slowly started to open it.
"Uh oh, I recognise that
door…" Leigh starts, but it’s too late. Out walks Gollum the weeping
Joardman boy lady Bason child, from the misty cave of the mountain below.
"Hello ladies!" He
exclaims.
Stashleigh are stunned. Bason the
weeping child Joardman man Gollum lady boy from the misty cave of the mountain
below is wearing a sparkly blue wig, a waistcoat and a pink hula skirt. They
slowly start to step away from him, before running the whole 1000 miles in just
under 0.2 seconds.
Finally they arrived at the promise
land.
"Do you know what," Stash
started.
"What?" Asked Leigh.
"I'm not really feeling cheesecake
anymore" Stash replied.
"Me neither" Said Leigh,
"Lets go home"
So off they rode on their spotty zebras,
on the way home they passed Gollum the weeping, cross dressing man child Bason
lady Joardman boy from the misty cave of the mountain below, they passed the
thing that Adam Apple, the happy apple wasn't allowed to talk about, they
walked down the winding and long road, they passed Adam Apple the happy apple,
they passed the location where Danny Jones and the pooping dinosaur had once
been, they passed the giant human wizard chess board, they passed Gollum the
weeping lady boy Bason man cross dressing Joardman child from the misty cave of
the mountain below, they passed the shiny demon, and a Delorean going at 88
miles an hour, they passed the pink pigeons with red lipstick and teeny tiny
pigeon handbags, they passed the spot where Voldemorts remains lay, along with
a green Mohawk, and finally they made it back home to Upside Down Town, in
the ghetto blocks of Peruvia in under 0.2 seconds.
The
End.
Bibliography kind of thing…
Stash as played by Stacey Williams.
Leigh as played by Ashleigh Parry.
Stashleigh as played by Stacey Williams
and Ashleigh Parry.
Jeremiah The King of the Metal
Headed Dolphins aka The Dolphin with the Green Mohawk as played by
Free Willy
Voldemort aka Voldemort Riddle aka
Voldy aka Voldymort as played by Ralph Fiennes.
Herbert The Shark Sheriff as played by
Herbert.
The Weeping Man Child
aka Gollum aka Bason Joardman aka Cross-dressing Lady as played by
Jason Boardman.
The Long Lost Child of Jimmy Carr as
played by Matthew Wiggins.
Danny Jones as played by Danny Jones.
The Pooping Dinosaur as played by The
Pooping Dinosaur.
Adam Apple the Happy Apple as played by
Adam Apple.
Mike Wazowski aka Mike Williams as
played by Mike Williams.
James P. "Sulley" Sullivan as
played by James P. "Sulley" Sullivan.
References
"In the land before time" -
A reference to the film 'The Land Before Time'
.
"But please sir" said Leigh,
"I want some more." - A reference to the film 'Oliver'.
"More?!" quipped Stash,
"What do you mean more?" - Another reference to the film 'Oliver'.
"That was my inbred
cousin, Lucius Malfoy!" - A reference to the film 'Harry Potter'.
"I'm just a sensitive guy" - A
reference to 'Sensitive Guy' a song composed by McBusted.
"Bat cave" - A reference to
'Batman'.
"You nearly got hit by a Delorean
car there!" - A reference to 'Back to the Future'.
"That was a close one, they must've
been doing at least 88 miles an hour!" - Another reference to 'Back to the
Future'.
"where all of a sudden, there
shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road, and he said, "play
the best song in the world, or I'll eat your souls!"
Stashleigh looked at each other, and
they each said, "okay". And they played the first thing that came to
their heads, it just so happened to be, the best song in the world. It was the
best song in the world. Needless to say, the beast was stunned. Whip-crack went
his whoopy tail, and the beast was done.
He snorted out, "be you
angels?"
And Stashleigh said, "Neigh, we are
but fairy princesses, ROCK!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHHHHHHHHHH""
- A reference to the song 'Tribute' composed by the band Tenacious D.
"They glared at each other, before
a short, curly haired man ran past with a ring, yelling out "I've got it!!
I've got the one ring to rule them all!"" - A reference to 'The
Hobbit'.
"Always go left." - A
reference to 'Doctor Who'.
"the misty cave of the mountain
below" - A reference to the song 'I See Fire' as composed by Ed Sheeran.
"Hello, is it me you're looking
for" - A reference to the song "Hello" as composed by Lionel
Richie.
"my name is Gollum" - A
reference to the films 'The Lord of The Rings Trilogy' and 'The Hobbit
Trilogy'.
"to show meme incredible
things" - A reference to the song 'Blank Space' as composed by Taylor
Swift.
"human sized wizard chess
board" - A reference to the film 'Harry Potter and
The Philosopher Stone'.
"Oh boy, my friend Ron Weasley told
me about these kind of things" - A reference to the 'Harry Potter' series.
"Yeah, and for the first time in
forever, I see daylight!" Leigh replied.
"Yeah…I don't know if I'm elated or
gassy, but I'm somewhere in that zone!" - A reference to the song 'For The
First Time in Forever' as composed by Robert Lopez and Kristen
Anderson-Lopez.
"They both turned around to see a
giant pooping dinosaur, and his friend Danny Jones." - A reference to 'The
Pooping Dinosaur' book series as written by Tom Fletcher and Dougie
Poynter.
"Is this the way to Amarillo"
- A reference to the song 'Is this the way to Amarillo' as composed by
Neil Sedaka and Howard Greenfield.
"Was that Danny Jones off of
McFly" - A reference to the band 'McFly'.
"Well, we were looking for
Cheesecake Kingdom, can you send us in the one direction we need to go
in?" - A reference to the band 'One Direction'.
"They walked down the long and
winding road" - A reference to the song 'The Long and Winding Road' as
composed by Paul McCartney and John Lennon.
"The first rule is you can't talk
about them!" - A reference to the film 'Fight Club'.
"walking a lonely road, the only
one that they have ever known. They don't know where it goes, but its home to
them and they walk alone." - A reference to the song 'Boulevard of Broken
Dreams' as composed by the band Green Day.
"and they would walk 500 miles, and they would walk 500 more. Just to be
the fairy princesses who walked a thousand miles to fall down at Cheesecake
Kingdom" - A reference to the song 'I'm gonna be (500 miles) as
composed by The Proclaimers.
"a door falls from the sky, and
Mike Wazowski and James P. "Sulley" Sullivan turn up." -
A reference to the film 'Monsters Inc.'.
"So off they rode on their spotty
zebras, on the way home they passed Gollum the weeping, cross dressing man
child Bason lady Joardman boy from the misty cave of the mountain below, they
passed the thing that Adam Apple, the happy apple wasn't allowed to talk about,
they walked down the winding and long road, they passed Adam Apple the happy
apple, they passed the location where Danny Jones and the pooping dinosaur had
once been, they passed the giant human wizard chess board, they passed Gollum
the weeping lady boy Bason man cross dressing Joardman child from the misty
cave of the mountain below, they passed the shiny demon, and a Delorean going
at 88 miles an hour, they passed the pink pigeons with red lipstick and teeny
tiny pigeon handbags, they passed the spot where Voldemorts remains lay, along
with a green Mohawk, and finally they made it back home to Upside Down
Town, in the ghetto blocks of Peruvia in under 0.2 seconds." - A reference
to everything that we have just referenced.
Bason the weeping Gollum boy man cross-dressing Joardman lady child from the misty cave from the mountain below.
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